Skate Park Scheduled to Open At Howies

Skatepark / Parking Lot Slated For Howies

Sierra Madre Parks and Rec Department announced that the upcoming 3 story parking garage to be built at Howie's will also double as a city sanctioned skate park. "Kids are going to skate there anyway, so we are going to close the lot at 2:00 on school days and on the weekends so our kids can skateboard", said Mayor John Buckhannon.

Citing numerous infractions of skating in downtown and the fact that skateboarders are a "dangerous breed", the Mayor stated that over 350 local boys and girls had approached him, first complaining about lewd acts by Jim Snider, publisher of the Sierra Madre Cumtwat, but also that the kids needed an another place to skate in town.

"The skate ramps at the Rec are totally lame", said a 11 year old skateboarder who declined to be indentified at the risk of being "boycotted" by readers of the downtown dirt website. "All my friends have been telling our parents to support the city building 3 story parking lots because they are great to skate in, but we know that the police will be arresting us.", said the boy.

Dorn Platz Clearing Vermin out of 1 Carter & Stonehouse

Local Realtors Help Evict 1 Carter and StoneHouse Residents

( hunter's identity withheld at the risk of being boycotted)

February 29, 2007

Realtors from Prudential and Webb Martin participated in a festive weekend at the 1 Carter and Stonehouse Estates, to kick off sales for the real estate projects. Face painting, carnival rides and deer hunting was part of the motivational seminar weekend.

Dorn Platz spokesman, who declined to be identified at the risk of being "boycotted" said, "it was a great family time. We've been receiving complaints about displaced deer that were venturing into downtown Sierra Madre, eating off tables at Lucky Baldwins, so what better way to kick off our sales campaign and the same time help the city by ridding the city of those pesky deer vermin".

The Sierra Madre Police Department said it was not aware of the illegal deer hunt and would not comment at the risk of being "boycotted".

Spokesmen Prudential and Webb Martin all declined comment at the risk of being "boycotted".

Buck Chosen to Replace Mosca

February 29. 2007


In a stunning reversal, the Recall Joe Mosca movement has named local media mogul, Beth Buck as it's replacement City Council Member for Mosca.

Buck, publisher of the Downtown Dirt Website, has been a long time supporter of Mosca said, "While I didn't vote for the son of a bitch, in fact, I couldn't stand him because he was part of the 2 whatever movement, but since he flip flopped on his campaign promises, I thought to myself, "Self, I kind of like the guy now and I'm going to promote him on my unbiased dirty dog sh*t website. However, I want the prick out of office so I can one day be Mayor."

Continuning to ramble, Buck asserted, "my well documented unbiased attitude and strong belief that I am smarter and a way way better writer than Susan Henderson or Katina Dunn, plus the fact I've got the best read media source in California, with 974 million hits makes me highly qualified to spout my opinions as fact and my legions of followers rival Rev. Jim Jones."

Unable to make any sense of what she was saying, the Recall Joe Mosca leaders are certain that Buck will make a perfect addition to the City Council. "She can ask as many dumb questions, ramble nonsense, be an excellent town scold, scream incoherently and waste money with the best of them", said Pete Spenser, President of the Recall Joe Mosca campaign.

The Recall Joe Mosca campaign has already gathered 65 million signatures, rivaling the number of hits on the downtown dog sh*t dirt website. Mosca will be rolled out of town in a former Howies grocery cart during a centennial ceremony held during the annual Wisteria Festival.

As the new City CouncilMember, Buck is scheduled to be sworn in on March 22nd, but Buck stated that she may not be available because of prior committments as featured speaker at the National Association of Unbiased Journalists convention in Washington D.C.

The National Association of Journalists declined an interview at the risk of being "boycotted".

The Association issued a brief terse statement defending Buck's website, "It is the constituional right to publish dog shit, even in the name of unbiased and exaggerated journalism and we stand by the right of every American to publish dog shit and parodies of local citizens. It may stink, but dog shit online journalism has it's place, mainly the dumpster."

The leaders for the Recall Mosca movement are undetterred in their support of Buck, stating she is the best, smartest, greatest, most pleasant, friendliest, journalistic and without doubt, the most unbiased person in Sierra Madre and will save the city from certain ruin.

Calls to the downtown dog sh*t dirt website were not returned because of the fear of being "boycotted".

UnBiased Graffiti Shows Up In Sierra Madre

February 29, 2007 - Sierra Madre, California.

An investiation is underway by the Sierra Madre Police Department regarding a crime wave of graffiti spraying on local city signs. A slew of signs are being defaced with the ad slogan, "downtown dirt", said a SMPD spokesman, who declined to be identified at the risk of being "boycotted".

"So far, the juvenile spray painting has only been advertising a highly popular and unbiased website, known for its impeccable journalistic credentials, but we are concerned that other media outlets will resort to this guerilla marketing tactic", said a spokesman for the Police Department.

The spokesman, who again declined to be identifed in fear of being "boycotted", added, "we are certain that other media giants such as the Sierra Madre Cumtwat will soon follow suit with such tactics.

The Cumtwat publisher, Jim Snider is already facing charges of malicious defacement as he is accused of writing on the walls of Men's bathrooms - "For a good time - call Jimmy Boi @ the Cumtwat" on the Men's bathroom walls at the Buc and also at Heasley Field.

Local newspaper publisher, Susan Henderson, an angry white person said, "It surprises me that the durt website will stoop to such tactics. They are up to 14 gazillion hits and certainly don't need the exposure. They are already filled with advertisers."

Mayor, John Buckhanon lambasted the website publisher for defacing city property, "Hell, it's no surprise since most of what the website publishes is dog shit, smells like dog shit and is in fact dog shit, that the publisher is defacing city owned dog shit signs at Mt. Wilson Trail and the Dog Park."

Former Mayor, Rob Stocbuckley chided the website, "I guess from now on the website will be known as dog shit, but at least it still isn't biased dog shit."

Former Mayor, Clem Buckcladiddlehopper, denounced the website, "Ever since they added smell o vision to the website, I can't get the smell of dog shit out of my hair. I kept checking my shoes and realized the dog shit was coming from the computer. I've had to paint my office twice to get rid of the dog shit smell."

An advertising spokesman for "Moe's Tattoo Parlor" said it was cancelling it's advertising contract with the website, "the website didn't want cash or a check for advertising, they wanted us to pay them with big piles of dog shit, which kept us at the dog park for hours on every Saturday."

The spokesman for Moe's said it won't advertise anywhere else in Sierra Madre at the risk of being "boycotted".

Calls to the dog shit downtown dirt website publisher were not returned.

Dirt Transcript Release

By: Race Bannon
Investigative Reporter - The Sierra Madre Cactus

Dirty Manuscript Found Behind Buc

February 29, 2007 - Sierra Madre, California

"I read the author's name and kn

ew I was dealing with smut and immediately called the police," stated a bartender for the Buc, who has asked that his name or business not be identified at the risk of being "boycotted". "I had to wash my hands at least 6 times to get rid of the stench.", he added.

This newsource obtained a copy of the manuscript which was scheduled for release on the highly popular and "unbiased" news network, downtown dog sh*t dirt dot UGLY - a source of propaganda news for real estate agents, the Arcadia Board of Realtors and a couple of Sierra Madre developers.

The story reads like this:

"BLAH BLAH BLAH - I AM MORE UNBIASED THAN YOU - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH AND MOAN BITCH BLAH BLAH - I WAS A PROFESSOR OF JOURNALISM...WAIT I HAVE NO CREDENTIALS - WAAAAAAAAA BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT BLAH BLAH - EVERYBODY IS WRONG IN THE MEDIA (EXCEPT ME) - THE END OF SIERA MADRE IS NEAR - BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH- I DEMAND - I DEMAND - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - MY SUPPORTERS ARE MORE INFORMED AND NICER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN TOWN - BLAH BLAH BLAH - HERE'S SOME DIRT FOR YOU - I HATE KATINA DUNN BECAUSE SHE IS A COMPETITOR AND WAY MORE QUALIFIED THAN ME, CALL IT PROFESSIONAL UNLIKE - BLAH BLAH BLAH - ONLY STUPID PEOPLE DISAGREE WITH ME - BLAH BLAH LET ME TELL YOU WHY I'M RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG - CHECK YOUR FACTS - MY OPINION IS FACT AND NOT EDITORIAL AND I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU AND I AM UNBIASED - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - ANYBODY WHO DISAGREES WITH ME IS WRONG - WAAAAAAAAAA DOG SHIT I AM A BIG TIME JOURNALIST - WE NEED 476 CONDOS IN DOWNTOWN FOR MY REAL ESTATE FRIENDS - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - I AM UNBIASED AND EVERYTHING I WRITE IS UNBIASED - BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN MAON WHINE WHINE BITCH BLAH BLAH - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - I AM A SUCCESSFUL SCREENWRITER - BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN MOAN BITCH BLAH LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU STUPID IDIOTS VOTING FOR MEASURE V ARE WRONG - 3 MILLION HITS ON MY WEBSITE IN A TOWN OF 10,000 YEAH RIGHT BULLSHIT - BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH BLAH - I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU - BOYCOTT SIERRA MADRE - BOYCOTT SIERRA MADRE - BLAH BLAH BLAH - 750 MILLION HITS ON MY WEBSITE - BLAH BLAH BLAH - I'M SWEEPING AWAY UNBIASED REPORTING - WAAAAAAAAAA I MEAN BIASED REPORTING - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN - I NEED HELP EDITING THIS MANUSCRIPT - BLAH BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT YOU ASSHOLES EVERYBODY AGAINST ME IS HATEFILLED HATEMONGERS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN MOAN BLAH BLAH BLAH - 985 MILLION HITS - EVERYBODY LIKES ME - BLAH BLAH - I AM A DIRT BUSTER BUT I CREATE A LOT OF DUST - BLAH BLAH - THE END IS NEAR - THE END IS NEAR - THE END IS NEAR FOR SIERRA MADRE UNLESS EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME AND ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO DEVELOP DOWNTOWN SIERRA MADRE - BITCH BITCH BITCH I'M A BIG TIME SCREENWRITER BULLSHIT - BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN BLAH BLAH EVERYBODY ELSE IS WRONG EXCEPT ME AND MY FRIENDS - BLAH BLAH BLAH - EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS - WAAAAAAAAA I AM VERY IMPORTANT - BLAH BLAH BLAH - LET ME TELL WHY YOU ARE WRONG WRONG WRONG - BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT YOU SCUMBAG - BLAH BLAH BLAH - ONLY STUPID PEOPLE DISAGREE WITH ME - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - DEVELOPER'S HAVE RIGHTS TOO - WHINE WHINE WHINE BLAH BLAH BLAH - I ASK THE HARD HITTING QUESTIONS AS LONG AS THEY FIT MY DOG SHIT WEBSITE AGENDA - BLAH BLAH BLAH - I AM IMPORTANT - BLAH BLAH - I AM A DIRT BUSTER AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS WRONG - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - WHINE WHINE WHINE - SOMEBODY LISTEN TO ME I DEMAND IT - I DECIDE WHAT MATTERS IN SIERRA MADRE - PEOPLE IN SIERRA MADRE ARE TOO FREAKING STUPID TO MAKE INTELLIGENT DECISIONS ABOUT POPULATION DENSITY - BLAH BLAH BLAH - LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE ONCE AGAIN WRONG - ONLY MY FACTS ARE RIGHT - BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BLAH - EAT DIRT YOU SCUMBAG - I WISH I WAS A REAL EDITOR - BLAH BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT - THE SKY IS FALLING - THE SKY IS FALLING

After a tense defusement of the document by the Sierra Madre SWAT team, the dirty manuscript was turned over to Los Angeles County Hazmat Officials for lab analysis.

Dr. Tyler Ruck, Lab Tech reassured Sierra Madre residents, "our tests indicated that the manuscript was not hazardous, in fact it was typical ranting low grade bitchy whiny journalism, but not dangerous or the least bit unbiased, however it did smell like dog shit."