Investigative Reporter - The Sierra Madre Cactus
Dirty Manuscript Found Behind Buc
February 29, 2007 - Sierra Madre, California
"I read the author's name and kn
ew I was dealing with smut and immediately called the police," stated a bartender for the Buc, who has asked that his name or business not be identified at the risk of being "boycotted". "I had to wash my hands at least 6 times to get rid of the stench.", he added.
This newsource obtained a copy of the manuscript which was scheduled for release on the highly popular and "unbiased" news network, downtown dog sh*t dirt dot UGLY - a source of propaganda news for real estate agents, the Arcadia Board of Realtors and a couple of Sierra Madre developers.
The story reads like this:
"BLAH BLAH BLAH - I AM MORE UNBIASED THAN YOU - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH AND MOAN BITCH BLAH BLAH - I WAS A PROFESSOR OF JOURNALISM...WAIT I HAVE NO CREDENTIALS - WAAAAAAAAA BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT BLAH BLAH - EVERYBODY IS WRONG IN THE MEDIA (EXCEPT ME) - THE END OF SIERA MADRE IS NEAR - BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH- I DEMAND - I DEMAND - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - MY SUPPORTERS ARE MORE INFORMED AND NICER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN TOWN - BLAH BLAH BLAH - HERE'S SOME DIRT FOR YOU - I HATE KATINA DUNN BECAUSE SHE IS A COMPETITOR AND WAY MORE QUALIFIED THAN ME, CALL IT PROFESSIONAL UNLIKE - BLAH BLAH BLAH - ONLY STUPID PEOPLE DISAGREE WITH ME - BLAH BLAH LET ME TELL YOU WHY I'M RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG - CHECK YOUR FACTS - MY OPINION IS FACT AND NOT EDITORIAL AND I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU AND I AM UNBIASED - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - ANYBODY WHO DISAGREES WITH ME IS WRONG - WAAAAAAAAAA DOG SHIT I AM A BIG TIME JOURNALIST - WE NEED 476 CONDOS IN DOWNTOWN FOR MY REAL ESTATE FRIENDS - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - I AM UNBIASED AND EVERYTHING I WRITE IS UNBIASED - BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN MAON WHINE WHINE BITCH BLAH BLAH - I DEMAND THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME - I AM A SUCCESSFUL SCREENWRITER - BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN MOAN BITCH BLAH LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU STUPID IDIOTS VOTING FOR MEASURE V ARE WRONG - 3 MILLION HITS ON MY WEBSITE IN A TOWN OF 10,000 YEAH RIGHT BULLSHIT - BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH BLAH - I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU - BOYCOTT SIERRA MADRE - BOYCOTT SIERRA MADRE - BLAH BLAH BLAH - 750 MILLION HITS ON MY WEBSITE - BLAH BLAH BLAH - I'M SWEEPING AWAY UNBIASED REPORTING - WAAAAAAAAAA I MEAN BIASED REPORTING - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN - I NEED HELP EDITING THIS MANUSCRIPT - BLAH BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT YOU ASSHOLES EVERYBODY AGAINST ME IS HATEFILLED HATEMONGERS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN MOAN BLAH BLAH BLAH - 985 MILLION HITS - EVERYBODY LIKES ME - BLAH BLAH - I AM A DIRT BUSTER BUT I CREATE A LOT OF DUST - BLAH BLAH - THE END IS NEAR - THE END IS NEAR - THE END IS NEAR FOR SIERRA MADRE UNLESS EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME AND ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO DEVELOP DOWNTOWN SIERRA MADRE - BITCH BITCH BITCH I'M A BIG TIME SCREENWRITER BULLSHIT - BITCH BITCH BITCH MOAN BLAH BLAH EVERYBODY ELSE IS WRONG EXCEPT ME AND MY FRIENDS - BLAH BLAH BLAH - EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS IS MY BUSINESS - WAAAAAAAAA I AM VERY IMPORTANT - BLAH BLAH BLAH - LET ME TELL WHY YOU ARE WRONG WRONG WRONG - BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT YOU SCUMBAG - BLAH BLAH BLAH - ONLY STUPID PEOPLE DISAGREE WITH ME - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - DEVELOPER'S HAVE RIGHTS TOO - WHINE WHINE WHINE BLAH BLAH BLAH - I ASK THE HARD HITTING QUESTIONS AS LONG AS THEY FIT MY DOG SHIT WEBSITE AGENDA - BLAH BLAH BLAH - I AM IMPORTANT - BLAH BLAH - I AM A DIRT BUSTER AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS WRONG - BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - WHINE WHINE WHINE - SOMEBODY LISTEN TO ME I DEMAND IT - I DECIDE WHAT MATTERS IN SIERRA MADRE - PEOPLE IN SIERRA MADRE ARE TOO FREAKING STUPID TO MAKE INTELLIGENT DECISIONS ABOUT POPULATION DENSITY - BLAH BLAH BLAH - LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE ONCE AGAIN WRONG - ONLY MY FACTS ARE RIGHT - BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BLAH - EAT DIRT YOU SCUMBAG - I WISH I WAS A REAL EDITOR - BLAH BLAH BLAH - EAT DIRT - THE SKY IS FALLING - THE SKY IS FALLING
After a tense defusement of the document by the Sierra Madre SWAT team, the dirty manuscript was turned over to Los Angeles County Hazmat Officials for lab analysis.
Dr. Tyler Ruck, Lab Tech reassured Sierra Madre residents, "our tests indicated that the manuscript was not hazardous, in fact it was typical ranting low grade bitchy whiny journalism, but not dangerous or the least bit unbiased, however it did smell like dog shit."
