CUMTWAT PUBLISHER ANNOUNCES NEW BUSINESS
February 29, 2007 - Sierra Madre
The Sierra Madre Planning Commission has received an application from Jimmy "Boi" Snider, publisher of the "adult" website (Sierra Madre Cumtwat) for a combination adult strip club and funeral parlor scheduled to be open at the former Howie's site in early 2008.
Aptly named, "Lucky Stiffs", Snider said that the strip club/funeral parlor business venture was an ideal fit for Sierra Madre and would feature a wax museum dedicated to the memory of fallen porn stars.
"Lucky Stiffs will have it all", said Snider. "We plan valet parking...as soon as we can get a traffic light installed, which I've been promised by the Mayor that that would happen despite all DSP bullshit about never having a traffic light in town."
"As usual, he's totally full of crap", said Mayor Buckhannon. "All I did was buy a VIP card, I wanted Lucky Stiffs Card 001, but I didn't promise a traffic light to him. I had already promised a traffic signal to the condo developer, so Snider needs to get his facts straight like the downtown dog sh*t website."
Supporters of Snider have issued acclaims of welcome. Beth Buck, publisher of downtown dog sh*t dirt (online news source for real estate agents and developers) said, "In my unbiased opinion, Lucky Stiffs is a great thing for the city. The senior housing facility is nearby, which is an excellent customer based for the funeral parlor and the strip club can compliment the Buc. The club will include lush landscaping and plenty of convenient parking in the nearby 3 story parking lot"
Buck denied Snider's claim on the Cumtwat website that she would be a featured dancer on Sunday's at Lucky Stiffs, "I'm too busy acting, writing famous screenplays and running my dog sh*t website. However, I do look forward to dancing along side my friend Shirley Moore during special occasions such as the Wisteria Festival."
Asked about the future of Taylor's Meats and Produce currently occupying the former Howie's site, Snider said, "They are staying. My special realtor girl friend likes cucumbers (wink wink) from Taylor's and we plan on selling foot long hot dogs at Lucky Stiffs, except I don't want to know what people are actually doing with them."
Snider said construction will begin after he finishes bribing the Planning Commission, mainly John Hutt. "That Hutt asks too many actual building code questions, a couple years ago Lucky Stiff's would have been green lighted without question. I don't have to worry about the City Council, I'm guaranteed 3 votes and I've been saying nice things about Zimmerman on my website, so I may get his approval. I expect Don Watts to be out of town when the vote comes up."
A promotional campaign is already underway. "I've placed an online ad on downtown dog sh*t dirt, which is my primary target audience. Those people are natural customers for me since I see most of them at the Buc and at Pleasures on Friday nights. I would place an ad in The Mt. Wilson Observer, but can't because the real estate agents would be offended and then would boycott Lucky Stiffs."
When asked why he decided to open a combination strip club and funeral parlor, Snider said that "It's been his life long ambition to publish as degrading website and piss on a few neighbors, which I've already done with the Cumtwat and also to own a strip club since I've been banned from all in area. The funeral parlor was just an after thought when I saw all the seniors walking around town."
Staying true to his humorous wit, Snider said his mission statement will be, "Anybody who dies of a heart attack from receiving a lap dance receives a free cremation."
